So there is that…

I hate getting stuck in memories. Like they aren’t even good memories. Just frozen moments that refuse to escape my mind. Two people in my life have managed to destroy my character and my self worth. I hung pics up at work of these two. Everyone passing by probably thinks they are friends, but they are more a reminder of the person I never want to be again.

I don’t exist in present time. I get stuck in fleeting memories. Like one picture of your arms wrapped around me when only moments earlier I tried to hold your hand as we walked and you pushed my hand away. Those arms where the best place to be but it was never real. I remember how I felt at that moment and it was scary.

Then there is you. You destroyed every fiber of my being with texts. Didn’t even have to balls to call. You hid me from your friends and belittled me every chance you got. Humored me by letting me crash at your place but I still didn’t really exist to you. You pawned me off to your husband who is a damned saint for putting up with my multiple breakdowns over promises you made. I HAD CANCER and that wasn’t a good enough reason for you to forgive me. You trusted me with your secret and I would have taken it to the grave. You trampled my heart. I loved you. Not as anything more than a friend but it wasn’t reciprocated. Several times I thought you actually gave a shit. When we were mugged, when you invited me to San Diego for Christmas because my mental health was shit, or even that time when we just sat watching planes take off and land. I want those to be the memories I have of you, but instead it’s all the the bad stuff. I have pictures of us together that look like you would rather be anywhere else. If I could forget you I would.

I was always meant to be alone. I don’t have friends and I’ve only ever been in one relationship. I’m just not the person you invite out.